Анекдоты на английском языке

hi! does anybody know any good (= REALLY funny) English jokes?
cheers!

...

One guy comes into pub and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. He asks: - What is your name? She replies: - My name is Carmen. This is because I like cars and I like men... And what is your name? - The guys says: - I am Beerfuck... )))

:))))

pretty good :)

very nice

Not bad, but mind your grammar, please.

nice)))

A doctor visited a patient who was a married woman. After the examination, he said to her husband outside the room,
"I do not like your wife's appearance."
"I do not like it either," replied the husband. "But she has a lot of money."

2 Саша hate Wednesday Лещевич

I like it!

Ok. I like this joke and I hope you will like it too...
The Second World War... Germans are going to conquer Great Britain and they send there two Secret Agents to get some information... Agents have British appearance and speak English even better than Englishmen. Agents land in London and go to the nearest Bar to drink some alcohol and relax.
"Give me two martini, please", says German.
"Dry, I suppose", - the Barkeeper answers.
"Nein, zwei bitte"...
This phrase was the greatest fall in that German's life...

realy good joke :D

The first joke I heard when I moved to US.

A white guy and a black guy started arguing to what race The Lord belongs. Each of them insisted that The Lord belongs to his race. They were arguing, then they started fighting, and, finally, killed each other.

They both were standing at the heaven's gates and one of them told the other:
"OK. We'll see it now."

The gates opened, they stepped in. The Lord came to them and said:
"¡Buenos días, señores!"

:)))))))))

#13
:D

In class, the teacher said,
"I shall write a sentence on the blackboard. Find the error."
She wrote, "I did not have very happy holidays."
"What is the mistake Henry?"
Henry thought. "Perhaps you needed a boyfriend."

:))

A little girl at a wedding asked, "Mommy, why do brides always wear white?"
"Because they're happy," the mom replied.
Halfway through the wedding, the girl whispered, "Mommy, if brides wear white because they're happy, then why do grooms wear black?"

These 4 pals go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee.

"My son BIll," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."

The second man, no to be out done, tells how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "George is so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave his friend two brand new cars as a gift."

The third man's son, Albert, has worked his way up through a stock brokerage, and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.

"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son turned out," he replies. "For 15 years, Frank's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay. However, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."

When I was young, I thought that money was the most important
thing in life. Now that I'm old—I know it is.
—Oscar Wilde

I don't believe in reincarnation, and I didn't believe in it when I
was a hamster.
—Shane Richie

I understand that the doctor had to spank me when I was born, but
I really don't see any reason he had to call me a whore.
—Sarah Silverman

A boy named Tommy Brown didn't like his English lessons. So at one of the lessons, while the teacher was explaining the rules about putting commas in sentences, Tommy turned to the boy sitting next to him and whispered: "Here is the teacher. I guess the stupid donkey is telling us again the rules about putting commas". The teacher heard this and wrote on the blackboard: TOMMY BROWN SAYS THE TEACHER IS A STUPID DONKEY. Then he put two commas in the sentence, and now it looked: TOMMY BROWN, SAYS THE TEACHER, IS A STUPID DONKEY.

- Are you a football player?
- Yeah!..
- I want my quarterback!
:-DD

(From "Last Comic Standing")

When I was a kid I dreamed to become a grown-up. Now that I'm an adult I just can't wait to die!

it is not easy to remember))) let me look in my old book of 90-s year