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Анекдоты на английском

Roman Sokolov
A doctor from Israel says: "In Israel the medicine is so advanced that we cut-off a man's testicles, we put them into another man and in 6 weeks he is looking for work".
The German doctor comments: "That´s nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out from a person, we put it into another person's head and in 4 weeks he is looking for work".
A Russian doctor says: “That's nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart out from a person, we put it into another person's chest and in 2 weeks he is looking for work”.
The US doctor answers immediately: That's nothing colleagues, you are way behind us . . . . in the USA (about a year ago) we grabbed a person with no brains, no heart and no balls . . . . . we made him President and now the whole country is looking for work!!!!
Roman Sokolov
I was at the
store yesterday, and I ran into Tarzan!
I asked him how it was
going and if he was into
making any more movies.

He told me
that he could no longer make any more
movies as he had severe
arthritis in both shoulders
and could no longer swing
from vine to tree.

I asked how Jane was doing, he told me she
was in bad shape, in a nursing home,
has Alzheimer's
and no longer recognizes anyone. How sad.

I asked
about Boy,
and he told me that Boy had gone to the big city,
got hooked up with bad women, drugs, alcohol,
and the only times he heard from him was when
he was in trouble or needed something.

I asked about Cheeta,
he beamed and said she was doing very well.
She married a lawyer, had some plastic surgery,
and now lives in the White House!!!
Roman Sokolov
Barack Obama meets with the Queen of England. He asks her,
"Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Obama frowns, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."

The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?" The Queen smiles.

"Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child..

It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.

Obama goes back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice president, the same question.

"Joe. Answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother

and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," says Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one." He goes to his advisors

and asks every one, but none can give him an answer.

Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.

Biden asks Powell, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child

and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"

Biden smiles, and says, "Thanks!" Then, he goes back to speak with Obama.

"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."

Obama gets up, stomps over to Biden, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"
Natasha Sokovikova
*Just want to see this in my news*
Svetlana Volk
Roman! did FBI already checked your background?:)
Nadezhda Koptseva
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
Svetlana Volk
#6 hahaha... love it! here is another one!

An 85-year-old went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day, the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:

"Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. she tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing."

"We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open."
Roman Sokolov
"Roman! did FBI already checked your background?:)"
Freedom of speech, baby! YES!
Vladimir Belikov
An elderly lady tells her young granddaughter:
- Remember, my dear, a real lady must have one and the only love in all her life.
- I see, - the granddaughter replies. - And what was your one and the only love, my dear granny?
- Sailors, my beloved baby. Only sailors, and no one else.
Of course, this joke is rusty and dusty.
Vladimir Belikov
A woman with her little son was at a military exhibition. Near an anti-aircraft missile launcher a sergeant was explaining: "This installation can nock down from the sky any aircraft at a distance up to 100 miles and at a height up to 10 miles".

The boy was fascinated. Then he spotted an airplane in the sky. "Look, there is an airplane. Nock it down", spoke he to the sergeant.

"Don't do this, Sir", said the boy's mother to the sergeant, "until he says "please!""

Vladimir, did you mean "knock down"? - Natalia Bulgakova
Svetlana Volk

don't kill animals until they solicit you for that!;)))
Dasha Vasilkova
Dasha Vasilkova
you do not understand ...
Svetlana Volk
"Dasha Akalelova sense? "
did u ask me? if so, I did understand. that was just that comes up to my mind when I think about it:)
Andrew Staniforth
One for the ladies :):):):)


Dear Tech Support ,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0 .

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 , and then installed undesirable programs such as Football 5.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1 .

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but itdoes not work.

What can I do?

Dear Desperate,

First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme. html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1 . Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta .

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0 .

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7...

Good Luck!
Tech Support
Svetlana Volk
LOOOL. It was a really nice one! thx!:)))
Vladimir Belikov
A foreigner was driving a car on a street in London, and was stopped by a policeman.
"What's the matter?" asked the driver.
"Well, Sir, you have been driving along the wrong side of the street", said the policeman.
"Why? I have been driving on the right side!" replied the driver indignantly.
"True. But in the UK driving on the right side is wrong, and driving on the left side is right. You should drive on the left side." insisted the policeman. "Now you may go, but please do not forget to drive on the left side."

The foreigner continued his way, now on the left side of the street, thinking to himself: "What a strange country! Here right is wrong, and left is right!"
Diabolical Flame
Не полностью на инглише, того требует смысл)

A dialog of two unfamiliar young men in London:

-What clock?
- Six watch.
- Such much?
- To whom how.
- Ты тоже в московском инязе учился?
Svetlana Volk
I had to translate it into Russian to understand wholly:))))))
Svetlana Volk
Wife is sitting near his dying husband.
- Masha, do you remember how I was fired and couldn't find a job for 3 years. You stayed with me then.
- Yes, darling, I remember.
- Masha, do you remember how I was drunk and got my car smashed up in an accident? You were visiting me in hospital for 5 years.
- Yes, honey, I remember.
- And now when I'm dying you are sitting here with me.
- (Crying) Yes, my treasure!
- Masha, I'm starting to believe YOU brings me bad luck...
Svetlana Volk
Announcement in the cannibals' restaurant:
"Wash hands before eating. Eating dirty hands may cause indigestion!"
Svetlana Volk
Ivan to Tsar:
- I did what I promised: here is the head of the dragon! Will you keep your promise?
Tsar to Ivan:
- Sure. Here is the heart and hand of princess.
Svetlana Volk
this one is brilliant:

Jewish mother goes out to the balcony and cries to her son who is playing in the yard:
- David! Go home!
The son raises his head and cries:
- Am I cold?
- No. You want to eat!
Artyom Malivanov
Светлана _Simply_Tired_ Волк,
Hahaha, you'r joke about ''85-year-old man'' is very funny, I laughing is a long time)))
Roman Silaev
"Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" a little girl asked. "No, I don't think so. Fifi is in heat," replied the mother. "What does that mean?" asked the child. Embarrassed and not wanting to get into a biological discussion with her young daughter, the Mother said, "Oh, just go ask your father. I think he is in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Fifi for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said that Fifi was in heat, and that I had to come talk to you." Not wanting to have the biological discussion either, the father said, "Bring Fifi over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear end with it. "Okay, now you can go for a walk but keep Fifi on the leash and you can only go around the block once."

The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with NO DOG on the leash. "Where is Fifi?" her father asked. "She should be here in a minute," advised the daughter. "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block and another dog is pushing her home."
Roman Silaev
A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."
The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves.

The barber who is intrigued by this time, looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill. Follow that guy and see where he goes."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"
Polina Andreeva
Quick and clear
A son comes to his dad and says: - Dad, i gotta tell you something - Ok, Quick and clear! - 100 bucks
Anastasia Petrova
Two russian tourists decided to visit England.
In a hotel:
They wanted to have tea and ask a girl from the reception to bring them it to their room.
They said: "Ту ти ту ту ту."
It ment: "Two tea to 22" (22- number of a room)
Russian people...
Svetlana Volk
#32...hmmmm... I didnt quite get it:(
Anastasia Petrova
English humour. Read it again.)
Svetlana Volk
I understand what they said. I don't understand why it's funny.
Andrey Lubentsov
:) Svetlana.. just try with another joke.. f.e.

German lady in a restaurant:
'Can I have a bloody steak, please?'
'And some fucking potatoes, perhaps?'
Anton Kalenik
An old woman walks into a gun shop and says to the owner:
-"I need a big gun to shoot cans."

The owner replies:
-"How about this small rifle?"

She says:
-"No these are really big cans."
-"Well how about this medium sized rifle?"

She says:
-"No this are really big cans."

Finally, frustrated, the owner says:
-"What type of cans are you going to shoot?"

She replies:
-"Oh, you know, Mexi-cans, Afri-cans, Peurto Ri-cans!"
Svetlana Volk
#38 :))
#37 hmmm... maybe that lady was English?
Andrey Lubentsov
:) may be.. I have no idea what is English for "стейк с кровью":)
I like also this one:

What do you get if you drop a grand piano down a coal mine?
- a flat minor
Evgenia Khavkina
Андрей lubenchik Лубенцов
сегодня в 13:51

:) may be.. I have no idea what is English for "стейк с кровью":)

well-done - хорошо прожаренный
medium-done - средней прожарки
rare-done - с кровью
Evgenia Khavkina
A man and a woman are in hospital, both of them don't have legs. The story how they lost their legs:
They were making love on rails. He was coming, she was coming, the train was coming. Nobody could stop.
Evgenia Khavkina
A man is peeing from the London bridge to the Thames. A policeman comes and says:
- Sir, it is our famous river Thames!
- I f*d your river Thames!!
- Sir, it is our famous London bridge!
- I f*d your London bridge!!
- Sir, the Queen may go here!
- I f*d your Queen!!
- Good morning, your Majesty!
Svetlana Volk
#40 B-D
so, did you translate that joke into English in #37?... or was it the original?
Svetlana Volk
#43:) at least the Queen is not a wh*** ;))
Lena Fedorova
-Doctor, Doctor everyone thinks I'm a liar
-I can't believe that!
Andrey Lubentsov
I thank U , Zhenja, for explanation.. but with the joke.. was it about her husband?:)
Svetlana Volk
well, yeah... I guess they were married;)
Ivan Starostin
-my dear,you buy me a mascara?
-buy my love.
-a liner?
-and a vodka you`re so good
Andrey Lubentsov
they still are.. Prince Philip is ill indeed, but english medicine can cause wonder.
Darya Ershova
Andrey Lubentsov
Daschen`ka..:) what do Yr points mean?
Svetlana Volk
Andrey! I still have a question for you: do you translate your jokes from Russian to English or you use the original ones? the things that sound funny in Russian may sound awkward if you translate them word-by-word.
Vladimir Belikov
This is a real story related by an operator of a computer technical support call center.

An elderly man called and asked for a help.
The operator told him: "Do exactly what I say. Right-click on your desktop. A pop-up menu will open."
After a while of silence.
The operator: "Has the menu opened?"
The man: "No."
The operator: "Tell me exactly what you are doing."
The man: "Well, you told me to write 'click', and I wrote 'click'!"
Svetlana Volk
funny:) here is another one:

Tight Skirt

One Day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived, and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight that she couldn’t get her foot high enough to reach the step. Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reaches back and unzips her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reaches back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn’t reach the step. So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reaches back and unzips her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifts up her leg only to realize that she still couldn’t reach the step. So, seeing how embarrased the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turns around furiously and says, ?How dare you touch my body that way, I don’t even know you!? Shocked, the man says, ?Well, ma’am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends.?
Svetlana Volk
Six Most Important Men in a Woman’s Life...

“THE DOCTOR because he says “Take your clothes off.
“THE DENTIST because he says “Open wide.
“THE HAIR DRESSER because he says “Do you want them teased or blown?
“THE MILKMAN because he says “Do you want it in the back or in the front?
“THE INTERIOR DECORATOR because he says “Once it’s in you’ll love it.
“THE BANKER because he says “If you take it out too soon, you’ll lose interest.”
Svetlana Volk
for men:

"The Wrong Way"

As a old man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!”"It’s not just one car,” said Herman, “It’s hundreds of them!”
Andrey Lubentsov
@Светлана Волк

The joke with the flat minor doesn´t work in any other language:)

flat minor= flat minor alias flat coal mine worker and
flat minor = B moll

usually I cite just normal English jokes
Svetlana Volk
Andrey! I had no complaints about #40. I just couldn't get that #37. (ref.: #44)
Svetlana Volk
I mean, what's so wrong about potatoes???
Andrey Lubentsov
sorry, Sveta, it´s really strange, but I see no number of posts..:) therefore I understand some posts not completely..

expressions like
"give me yr bloody gun with fucking bullets" or
"just stop with yr bloody cry and the fucking tears"

are often used.

thats why

"give me please a bloody steak" and the answer
"perhaps with fucking potatoes?"
Svetlana Volk
if u want to see the numbers u gotta click on the link which goes with the "topic" button. I guess it doesn't make sense to ask about jokes which are just not funny for me personally. but I still think that there is nothing wrong about potatoes.
Andrey Lubentsov
wow.. now I c numbers:) thank U.. I´ll try to find a good joke for U:)
Andrey Lubentsov
This for exmaple:
The wife is lying on her deathbed, holding her husbands hand.
"Darling", she whispers, "there is something I have to tell you before I pass away".
"Just tell me."
"I've been carrying this burden for such a long time. I was unfaithful to you with your best friend. I'm so sorry!"
"Well, I know", replies her husband. "Why do you think I poisoned you?"
Svetlana Volk
LOL. very truthful story:)))
don't ever cheat on highly ticklish persons;))
Rustam Gaynazarov
the girl comes to her boyfriends home for a dinner.
while they were eating the dinner, she felt gases caming out. she tried to stop it but she couldnt, so there was such a voice as pooop. everybody became silent then the father of the family looked at his dog that was near her and said Skippy.
the girl felt better and family started to speaking as nothing was happened. after a while the girl again felt gases but this time it was stronger, and again she made pooooop, the family was silent and only the father with a dissatisfied voice said Skippy. huh again the father saved her thought the girl.
the next time the gases inside her was such strong that she couldnt resist it and there was booooob. here father shouted - Skippy how many times i can tell, you will better go from there before she will sheet on you.
Artyom Petriga
A youngman is going downstair and wondering:
Scorpio? No. Aquarius? No. Capricorn? No...
- Doctor, what did you say?
- Cancer, my dear fellow, cancer!
Andrey Lubentsov
black humor, my dear fellow, black...but nonetheless funny:)
Svetlana Volk
about life:

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life? Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.


8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%


11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%


1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%


2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it’s the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.
Svetlana Volk
* What do termites eat for breakfast?
* Oakmeal.

* What do massage therapists eat for dinner?
* Spa-ghetti.
* Why was the chicken happy?
* Everything was eggcellent.
Andrey Lubentsov
lol.. these work definitely only in English!.... oatmeal/oakmeal=great / one should know it at first:)
Andrey Lubentsov
OK..now is my turn..:)

A guy from Poland wants to take part at an exchange with the UK. But his parents can´t afford the journey´s cost so the mother asks: " son, why do you have to go to the Uk?" His response: "I want to polish my english..."
Mother:"My dear, I think your english is Polish enough!!!
Svetlana Volk
Marina Lysak
*Just want to see this in my news*
Andrey Lubentsov
just do it, if U want:)
Andrey Lubentsov
OK.. here is one more.. from our English group in "StudiVZ"

- What is defference between man and Superman?
- Man wears underwear under the trouser and Superman wears it over the trouser.
Artyom Petriga
2 Andrew:
Black humour makes our life easier))
Roman Silaev
no, black humor makes you death funny...
Vladimir Belikov
An observation:

Your washing machine recommends separate washing of white and colored things. Is your washing machine a racist?
Andrey Satsuk
Do you speak english?
- Yes
- Name?
- Abdul al-Rhasib
- Sex?
- Three to five times a week.
- No, no...I mean male or female?
- Yes, male, female, sometimes camel.
- Holy cow!
- Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general.
- But isn't it hostile?
- Horse style, doggy style, any style!
- Oh dear!
- No, no! Deer runs too fast…
Svetlana Volk
#80 LOOOL. the funniest thing is - it can be true...
Teodeush Artsybashevsky
Why do you call your skirt a kilt?
'Cos lotsa people got kilt fer callin' it a skirt!
Teodeush Artsybashevsky
Ruger introduced a new commemorative pistol called Union Worker. It doesn't work and you can't fire it.

As an aside, it probably costs twice as much as a standard model.
Roman Silaev
well, i see that #80 is survived(although it`s vulgar), i`ll post one from ilovetorrents.com:


A man was lying in bed with his new Thai girlfriend in a hotel in the Thai resort of Phuket.

After having great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles -something she loved to do.

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that so much?"

"Because", she replied,................................"I really miss mine..."
Andrey Lubentsov
patstalom / #80 = very good.. but I never heard about the sand of truth in the joke...:)
Ilya Ivanov
Q:Why did God invent the climax?
A: So blacks would know when to stop fucking.
Elena Ozyorskaya
*Just want to see this in my news*
Vitalik Stepanenko
K I got a good 1
y leprechauns always luaghing when they run?
I'll let the next person answer tht:) if u dnt know just say it, I'll answer it 4 u
btw 4 those who doesn't know who leprechaun is it's small guy from Irland always dressed green:)
Andrey Lubentsov
No, no idea:)
Vitalik Stepanenko
Kuz grass always tickles their balls lol
Andrey Lubentsov
:) thanx.. btw leprechauns r known in Russia as леприконы:)
Vitalik Stepanenko
Ohhh thts rite:)
Vladimir Belikov
A real story: a report from the UK emergency call center (the telephone number is 999).

A man called and asked if he could talk to the Devil. Investigation revealed that this call was from a Satanist, who was dialing while holding his telephone upside down.
Andrey Lubentsov
Ekaterina Yurgutene
One little boy wakes up in the middle of the night and goes to the toilet.But when he opens the bathroom door he is a bit shoked as he sees a stranger coming out.The man smiles and trying to look smart & friendly.
-Excuse me, - smiles the boy,--are you our new babyseater?
- Nope, rejoiced the man,--I`m just your old MOTHERFUCKER!!!! :)
Ri Mma
Men In Heaven

When everyone on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise , God appeared and said: "I want the men to make two lines. One line is for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter."

Soon the women were gone, and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.

God said: "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."

God turned to the one man: "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?" The man replied: "My wife told me to stand here".
Andrey Lubentsov
If your nose runs and your feet smell, you must have been born upside down!:)
Nikita Dorofeev
A woman got a problem with her closet door - it was felling every time a bus was passing by. So she called a repair man. The repairman comes and sees that indeed, the door falls out every time when a bus passes by. "OK, I am gonna see what is going on, just close the door behind me" and he stepps into the closet. At that time the husband comes from work, opens the closet and finds the repairman. Husband: "What the hell are you doing here!" Repairman:"Well, you are not going to believe it, but I am waiting for a bus!"
Vladimir Belikov
A real announcement, which was read on the BBC's "Friday Night Comedy" a week ago:

Rottweiler for sale!
A perfect family pet. Eats anything and is especially fond of children.
Eduard Kozyr
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.
The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black. The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes. Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red. Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes. The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?" The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says, "That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"
Svetlana Volk
#98 Super!!! that's the best "closet & the bus" joke ever!
Andrey Lubentsov
OK.. now is my turn.

- Why is 6 scared of 7?
- Because 7, 8, 9!
Svetlana Volk
I didnt get the last one...
Vitalik Stepanenko
because 7 ate 9... "ate" and "eight" sound same
Andrey Lubentsov
very good, Vitalik:) thank u
Andrey Lubentsov
OK.. U have one more chance:)

A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says "Get out of here, we don't serve your kind!". The mushroom looks up and says "Why not? I'm a fungi!"
Svetlana Volk
I know what fungi is, but I still don't find it funny...
Andrey Lubentsov
U have to imagine instead of one word 2.. for example "fun guy":)
Svetlana Volk
ono 4itaetsya - фунджи. kakim obrazom ya doljna eto 4itat "fun guy"?????
and even so, it's not funny.
Svetlana Volk
this kinda funny:

"Today, I was at church and saw a blind teenager who obviously felt lost. Feeling like I should help I went over and asked if he needed anything. He said, "I can't find my caretaker." I asked, "What does she look like?" FML"
Svetlana Volk
Today, I saw an elderly man fall in a crosswalk, so I jumped off my bike to help. As I helped him across, the light turned green. I then watched across a 6 lane street as someone stole my bike. FML

Today, I took the bus to work and a sweet old lady got on after me and sat next to me. Halfway to work, she fell asleep and her head was on my shoulder. Trying to be nice, I gently tried to wake her up before my stop came. She wasn't sleeping. I let a dead woman lie on me for 30 minutes. FML

Today, I was at the park when I saw a homeless man sleeping on a bench. I thought it would be funny to throw a small rock at him. He thought it would be funny to pull out his knife and chase me for six blocks. FML
Andrey Lubentsov
acoording to LEO "fungi" is similar with "fun guy" in articulation


But Your´s r really funny, thank U! btw FML=?
Svetlana Volk
Andrey, that link leads me to some German site. I don't know how to translate fungi from English to Russian on a German site.
FML = Fuck My Life. that's series of notoriously fun things happening to real people.
Vladimir Belikov
Sorry, the below text is not a joke. It's just an explanation about fungi.

fungi - грибы, плесень
Andrey Lubentsov
Sveta, U have right - LEO is on-line translation system and vocabulary for German language, it means German-Russian, German-Spanish, German-English. My link should lead U to the English-German section, where U can push the loudspeaker botton near word "fungi" and U´ll hear the right articulation (if Yr dynamic is on of cause)
Svetlana Volk
guys! I know what fungi is!!! ok?:)))
I just meant I don't understand what's the point of going to German-English translator??? I'm not trying to learn German yet.
Andrey Lubentsov
Svetlana, please calm down:) Just prove the pronunciation of "fungi" in Yr on-line vocabulary:)
Madina Shatilova
Sherlock Holmes and his friend Watson were on a camping and hiking trip.
They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky. Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see?"
"Well, I see thousands of stars."
"And what does that mean to you?"
"Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?"
"To me, it means someone has stolen our tent."
Svetlana Volk
pronunciation of fungi:

Natasha Sokovikova
joke about Holmes is very funny)))

fungi: I think this joke is a kinda that should pronounced, but not written)
Svetlana Volk
agree with Natasha. ppl pronounce it differently, so it doesn't work everywhere.
Svetlana Volk
How Americans reassure themselves:

"I realized, I'm not stupid - I have a mental illness!" (New York Times)
Andrey Lubentsov
That was a diplomatic solution:)
Long live mushrooms!:)
Vladimir Belikov
In addition to how Americans reassure themselves. An old Russian joke in my translation into English.

A truck stopped near a psychiatric hospital. Half of the nuts keeping its front wheel on the hub were lost. The driver was hectically thinking what he can do with this. A window of the hospital opened, and a patient cried out: "Take the remaining nuts, and screw them at intervals, they will keep your wheel in place until you'll come to your destination." The driver replied: "Hey, you, fool! Good idea!" The reply from the window was: "I am not a fool. I am just happened to be mentally diseased."
Svetlana Dolinskaya
A man was filling an application for a job at a local employment agency. When he came to the question, “How long married?” he hesitated, and then put down, “24 hours a day.”
Svetlana Volk
An aircraft is about to crash...

An aircraft is about to crash. There are five passengers on board, but unfortunately only 4 parachutes.

The first passenger says "I'm Shaquille O'Neill, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers need me, it would be unfair to them if Idied". So he takes the first parachute and jumps.

The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, says "I am the wife of the former President of the United States. I am also the most dedicated woman in the world, a Senator in New York and America's potential future President. She takes one of the parachutes and jumps.

The third passenger, George W. Bush, says "I am the President of the
United States of America. I have a huge responsibility in world politics.
And apart from that, I am the most intelligent President in the history of the country and I have a responsibility to my people not to die". So, he takes a parachute and jumps.

The fourth passenger, the Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a ten year old schoolboy "I am already old. I have already lived my life, as a good person and a priest I will give you the last parachute". The boy replies "No problem, there is also a parachute for you. America's most intelligent President has taken my schoolbag..."
Selim Aydin
“Am I the first man you have ever loved?” John asked.
“Of course,” Linda answered “Why do men always ask the same question?”.
Svetlana Volk
Andrey Lubentsov
:) Schoolbag is "5"!:)
Vladimir Belikov
Recently scientists established that electrons are very smooth spheres. If you enlarge an electron up to the size of the Solar System, the maximum difference between the highest and the lowest point will be less then several centimeters - scientists say.

A joke about this fact from the BBC Friday Comedy:

A proton and an electron come to a pub.
The proton says to the electron: "You are round!"
The electron: "Are you sure?"
The proton: "Yes, I am positive."

Comment: "round" can also mean a description of health and physical appearance, like "stout", "sound", "robust".
Andrey Lubentsov
complicate even for me..... the corpuscle-wave dualism postulates huge difficulties by clear definition of the electron nature. Position of the electrone in atom is also not definitive clear - it is in same time in one definnite part of the atom space - therefore it seems for me to be really complicate to define the roughness of the electron surface:) could U please contribute the reference?
Barak Obama
My favorite jokes.
1. Husband and wife lie in bed. Wife thinks: He doesn't looks at me, he doesn't love me, he doesn't like me anymore. Husband thinks: Fly... Fly on the ceiling... How does it hold itself on the ceiling with it's small legs?
2. Hermione comes to professor Snape and says: Professor, I so love you, look at me, I'm beautiful, clever, funny. I like ride, jump and laugh... Snape says: In that case you need not me, but driver, trampoline and clown.
3. Snape on the lesson asks Harry Potter: Potter, please tell us how to differ ghost from zombi?
Harry: Zombi don't wash themselves, so they have many louses .
Snape: You mean that I'm Zombi?
Svetlana Volk
Andrey, would this link be somewhat helpful?


if not, you can search for something relevant on that site. they have plenty of interesting stuff.
Vladimir Belikov
Actually, I've heard about the roundness of the electron in this podcast of the "Material World" series by BBC:

It will be available on the BBC site during two or three weeks more. There are also other scientific topics covered in this podcast, so you'll need to be patient before you'll hear about the electron.

A brief information about this programme:
But there are no details about the outcome of the research.
Andrey Lubentsov
thanx alot / I´ll try to read all of it
Andrey Lubentsov
OK.. I have found the original article:
J. J. Hudson et al.: Improved measurement of the shape of the electron. Nature 473, 493 (2011):)

It´s a very good job without huge energy input like in the synchrotron.
If U r interested I can explain it simply how they could do it.. but of cause there is BUT:)
They proceed from the assumption that the electron is a particle and not wave - that is also questionable.
Vladimir Belikov
A joke about the global economic crisis.

What is the difference between a dead skunk on the road and a dead banker on the road? There are skidding marks in front of the skunk.
Vasily Osnovin
Русская семейная пара приехала в Лондон, престижная гостиница. Заходят в номер, вдруг за открытой дверью пробегает мышь.
- Черт, здесь мышь! Надо сообщить на ресепшн.
- Ты знаешь как будет мышь по-английски?
- Нет, разберемся.
Звонит муж на ресепшн:
- Hello! Do you know Tom and Jerry?
- Yes, I know Tom and Jerry.
- So, Jerry is here.
Andrey Denisenko
Американские анекдоты про Советский Союз и Россию:


One night, I was in bed, beating my wife, when phone ring. I beat

phone, then pick it up. I hear voice. Voice says;

"What you do with my daughter?!"

I turn to wife and demand to know why her father interrupt me beating

her. But she say, her father is dead!

Then, KGB break into house and arrest me for illegal possession of phone.

Such is life in Moscow.

I check into small hotel a few kilometers from Kiev. It is late. I am tired. I tell woman at desk I want a room. She tells me room number and give key. "But one more thing comrade; there is one room without number and always lock. Don't even peek in there." I take key and go to room to sleep.

Night comes and I hear trickling of water. It comes from the room across. I cannot sleep so I open door. It is coming from room with no number. I pound on door. No response. I look in keyhole. I see nothing except red.

Water still trickling. I go down to front desk to complain. "By the way who is in that room?" She look at me and begin to tell story.

There was woman in there. Murdered by her husband. Skin all white, except her eyes, which were red.

I tell her I don't give a shit. Stop the water trickling or give me refund. She gave me 100 ruble credit and free breakfast.

Such is life in Moscow
Andrey Denisenko
Mother and father got a little tired from building Communism, so they want to go to Moscow to buy vodka. They call their most trusted babysitter. When the babysitter arrives, children already sleep in beds. Babysitter just sits around and make sure everything good with children. Later that night, babysitter gets bored and goes to read Marx, but she can't read it downstairs because there's no electricity (the parents didn't want children reading Marx all night long).

So, she calls them and asks if she can get candles to read Marx in their room. Of course, the parents say it's okay, but the babysitter has one final request... she asked if she could cover up the Lenin statue outside the bedroom window with a blanket or cloth, because it maeks her nervous.

The phone line is silent for a moment, and the father who says, "Take the children and get out of the house... we will call milita. We do not have an Lenin statue."

The militia found all three of the house occupants dead because KGB killed them for trying to cover Lenin's statue. And militia arrested parents for not having a Lenin statue.

Such is life in Moscow.
Andrey Denisenko
One night man tries escape from gulag.

Makes his way to cabin in middle of tundra. Inside is plain, but many family pictures on walls. He falls asleep. In middle of night he is put in sack and dragged out. The next morning he is shot like dog.

Pictures are windows. KGB always watching.
Vasily Osnovin
Ава с мухой на пять балов!))
Vladimir Belikov
These are true authentic American jokes. First, they are as stupid as wooden blocks. Second, all imaginable rules of English grammar are ignored in them.
Andrey Denisenko
That is the point. Americans were trying to copy Russians and the way they speak English. That is just my lucky guess.
On the other hand I believe that those "funny stories" were writtwen by immigrants from the USSR who now serve in the Marine Corps of the US Army.
At first, the internet based forum was invented for US Army Marine Corps veterans.
At second, the topic starter calls USSR his "motherland".
But maybe that is just the way American soldiers usually write. Why does soldier need to write according to the grammar rules? =)
Decide for yourself.
Andrey Denisenko
That is how Americans comment on some silly photos some imbecile users post on this website:

Vladimir Belikov
funny indeed.
Andrey Denisenko
One more truly funny story (the grammar usage seems to be quite allright, although I'm not 100% sure):

Vladimir Belikov
the language is excellent and the joke is OK. Of course I did not mean that all Americans are stupid and don't know their own language. I am acquainted with several Americans, and all of them are clever and well-educated people.

Here in this group we often see people ignoring grammar of their native Russian language, by the way. So not all Americans are stupid, and not all stupid are Americans.
Andrey Denisenko
I'm not an American and don't care about their level of intelligence. Simply from now on I will know that the website from where I borrowed those "funny stories" is not the best place for learning English. I believe that "Terminal Lance" webforum lacks good moderation, that is why users often ignore grammar rules and write how they like and whatever they please.
Anastasia Gorbunova
Armenian Radio was asked: Can a pregnant man?
On this problem are working in Armenia. So far no positive results.
Andrey Denisenko
Now has come the time for some really nasty jokes!
Here we go!

John dies and arrives in hell. He’s met by the devil and told that each person is offered several choices of torture that run in 1,000-year cycles.

The devil leads him to room after room of torture, each more horrible than the next. Finally, they go to a room where a young college co-ed is performing oral sex on a man drinking beer.

John tells the devil, “This is more like it!”

The devil says, “Are you sure? It lasts for a thousand years!”

John replies, “Yes!”

So the devil walks over to the young woman and says, “You can go now. I’ve found your replacement.”
Andrey Denisenko
A bartender is getting ready to close for the night when a robber bursts in and pulls a gun.

“This is a stickup!” He yells. “Put all your dough in a bag!”

“Don’t shoot,” pleads the barkeep. “I’ll do whatever you say!”

The bartender stuffs all the money into a bag and hands it over. The crook snatches it and then puts the gun to the bartender’s head and says, “All right, now give me a blow job!”

“Anything!” cries the bartender. “Just don’t shoot!”

The bartender gets on his knees and starts blowing the guy. After a few minutes, the robber gets so excited he drops his gun.

The bartender picks the gun up off the floor and hands it back to the robber. “Hold the gun, dammit,” he says. “One of my friends might walk in!”
Andrey Lubentsov
Oyeah! It´s really dirty:) But sill funny! Where do they come from?
Andrey Lubentsov
I like this one:

Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming

pool. "You're not allowed to pee in the pool!" yells the lifeguard.

"But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny.

"Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!" (deecee.de)
Vladimir Belikov
yeah, words of wisdom. Everybody sometimes does something that is not allowed to do. But it's usually OK, if one does this quietly or, at least, not so obviously.:)
Andrey Lubentsov
:) We call it sometimes "rubber conscience"! Actually is not allowed, but if U very-very-very want..:)
BTW in this sence all volks are similar all over the world.. this is in the nature of human, to do something that a little bit unlegal... this gives us a definite kick:)
Ekaterina Yurgutene
not unlegal,but illegal :P
Andrey Lubentsov
:) agree... it´s denial form from German - doesn´t work in English.. though.. "unbelievable" f.e.
Ekaterina Yurgutene
и unbazarable ;)
Ekaterina Yurgutene
denial form Russian ^_^
Andrey Lubentsov
:) very spicy.. do U know any good jokes in English?
Vladimir Belikov
An economic joke borne in the wake of the financial crisis. A little bit refined and, probably, hard to crack, but it is really funny, if you come to its marrow.

The joke:
Credit rating agencies may cause you a pain in the assets.

Just in case, a few hints to understanding this joke. People take loans in order to expand their assets (by expanding their liabilities too). Credit rating agencies evaluate credit worthiness of people and organizations as a probability that they will pay back the debt arising from the loan provided to them. If a credit agency rates you poorly, no one will want to give you a loan, and you will not be able to increase your assets. And, finally, there is a popular idiom - a pain in the ass.
Svetlana Volk
Advertisement of a book about financial freedom:

"Money can buy a House............But not a Home
Money can buy a Bed..............But not Sleep
Money can buy a Clock............But not Time
Money can buy you a Book.........But not Knowledge
Money can buy you Medicine.......But not Health
Money can buy you Sex............But not Love

So you see money isn't everything. And it often causes pain and suffering. I tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as your Friend I want to take away your pain and suffering. So send me all your money..........

And I will suffer for you."
Irina Petrova
Little Pete came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothes.His father asked him what happened.
- Well, Dad,- said Pete , - I challenged Larry to a duel.And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons.
- Uh-huh,- said father, - thats seems fair.
I know, but I never thought he' d choose his SISTER!
Ekaterina Yurgutene
i think you ment English jokes but not jokes in English :)
Andrey Lubentsov
no.. I ment both:) so it´s Yr turn!
Ekaterina Yurgutene
An English man and an Irish man are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of whisky. He hands the bottle to the Irish man, whom exclaims,'' may the Irish and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The Irish man then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Englishman, whom replies: '' no thanks, I'll just wait till the Police get here!''
Andrey Lubentsov
nice.. one more irish joke:)

Two Irishmen, Patrick Murphy and Shawn O'Brian grew up together and were lifelong friends. But alas, Patrick developed cancer, and was dying. While on his deathbed, Patrick called to his buddy, Shawn, "O'Brian, come 'ere. I 'ave a request for ye." Shawn walked to his friend's bedside and kneels.

"Shawny ole boy, we've been friends all our lives, and now I'm leaving 'ere. I 'ave one last request fir ye to do."

O'Brian burst into tears, "Anything Patrick, anything ye wish. It's done."

"Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones and I'll be able to enjoy it for all eternity."

O'Brian was overcome by the beauty and in the true Irish spirit of his friend's request, he asked, "Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But, might I strain it through me kidneys first?"

Svetlana Volk
Andrey, that's low....:(
Ekaterina Yurgutene
oh thats a real friendship(irish or whatever) to urinate the friend`s dead body...yaaak !!!
i `m so lucky i dont like whisky :)
Andrey Lubentsov
I´m sure he meant not body, but grave.. that is big difference..:) next joke?
Andrey Naumov
Teacher: "Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?"
Johnny: "Drin-king, smo-king and fuc-king"
Natasha Кашкай
Tip to reduce weight:
first turn your head to the left and then turn it to the right.
Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.
Vladimir Belikov
:) good advice. One more on the same:

If you are afraid of gaining excessive body weight, take a shot of cognac before your lunch and dinner. Cognac will reduce your fear.
Natasha Кашкай
Sasha Machtakov
"Make me one with everything" - said a Buddhist coming up to a hot dog vender.
Sasha Machtakov
1: Knock knock.
2: Who's there?
1: To.
2: To who?
1 : TO WHOM!
Sasha Machtakov
A bike can't stand alone.
It's two tired.
Sasha Machtakov
- So, Yes or No?
- Yes.
- Motivate your answer.
Andrey Lubentsov
:) very fine english:)
Sasha Machtakov
Hebrews - the part of the Bible where God turns water into beer.
Sasha Machtakov
What did Beethoven say to Mozart right before they had their picture taken?
Come pose with me.
Sasha Machtakov
What was Beethoven doing after his death?
Svetlana Volk
some environmental jokes? :)) ok:

"According to a new U.N. report, the global warming outlook is much worse than originally predicted. Which is pretty bad when they originally predicted it would destroy the planet." --Jay Leno

"Scientists say because of global warming they expect the world's oceans to rise four and a half feet. The scientists say this can mean only one thing: Gary Coleman is going to drown." --Conan O'Brien

"According to a survey in this week's Time magazine, 85% of Americans think global warming is happening. The other 15% work for the White House." --Jay Leno

"Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice." --David Letterman
Sasha Machtakov
I had to google who Gary Coleman was)
Sasha Machtakov
I can't live without puns ;-)
Andrey Lubentsov
that´s good, but sometimes complicate to understand.. it´s really too fine..:)
Andrey Lubentsov
Svetlana:) With Gary Coleman is really nasty.. pure guy:)
Sasha Machtakov
Yep, some puns definitely take much time to get what they are about, and I love it.
Svetlana Volk
shame on you! lol. here you can watch him:
Sasha Machtakov
I wish I could watch that. I guess I'm on the slowest Internet on the planet. It would take ages for my laptop to download something. But that's okay:-) I got used not have the slightest idea about so many people and things. Usually I have to ask my IT man at work to find stuff for me and then, as a miracle, I have everything on my hard disk.
Andrey Lubentsov
I like such no-denying IT men - they r like a treasure:)
Therefore here is a joke about IT man / sys admin

While walking, an engineer, a system administrator and their boss found a lamp. They rubbed it, and lo and behold; a genie appeared.

"You can have three wishes, but since there are three of you, I'm going to give each one of you one wish," spoke the genie in a large, booming voice.

The engineer said, "I wish to be working for NASA in making the first spaceship to transport astronauts to Mars." With that, the engineer disappeared in a puff of smoke.

The system administrator said, "I wish to be in an island filled with machines that never crash so I could study from them and learn". The administrator smiles as he vanish in a puff of smoke.

The boss said "I want both of them back in the office by Monday."

Roman Sergeev
A woman and her lover are in the house while the husband is at work. Her nine year old son comes in, and after seeing them making love he hides in the wardrobe and watches them.
All of a sudden the husband comes. Wife hides her lover in the wardrobe, without knowing that her son is in there.
- It's dark here.
- Yes it is.
- I've got a soccer ball.
- That's nice.
- Do you want to buy it?
- No, thanks.
- My dad is outside.
- Ok, how much?
- 250 dollars.
After a few weeks man and boy run into each other again in the wardrobe.
- It's dark here.
- Yes it is.
- I've got a soccer cleats.
Remembering what happened last time, man asks:
- How much?
- 750 dollars.
- Ok.
After few days, father says to his son:
- Let's go and play soccer.
- I can't, I sold the ball and the cleats.
- How much did you get?
- 1000 dollars.
- That is terrible, how could you ask so much money... that's much more than they are worth. That's a sin, son you should go to the church and confess.
Father takes his son to the church confessional. Boy gets in, closes the door and says:
- It's dark here.
- Don't start with that shit again!!!
Fatime Birat
A blind man walks in to a bar and orders a drink. He takes one sip and senses that everyone is staring at him. In order to brake the ice he says, "Would you like to hear a good blonde joke?"

The bar tender says, "I think you should know before you tell this joke that I am a blonde, there are 7 bikers in the corner that are blond and, there is a 6'5" 290lbs. weight lifter working the other end of the bar who is also blonde. You still want to tell the joke?"

The blind man says, "Your right, who wants to explain a joke 9 times?"
Simon Mackey
The UK is in DEEP trouble...

The population of this country is approximately 60 million.
32 million are retired.
That leaves 28 million to do the work..
There are 17 million in school or at Universities.
Which leaves 11 million to do the work.
Of this there are 8 million employed by the UK government.
Leaving 3 million to do the work. ;
1.2 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden, and fighting in Afghanistan ..
Which leaves 1.8 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 0.8 million people who work for Local County Councils. And that leaves 1 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 488,000 people in hospitals or claiming Invalidity Benefit.
Leaving 512,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 511,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are,
Sitting on your arse,
At your computer, reading jokes.
Is it any wonder that we are in such a mess and that I am stressed out through trying to cope on my own?
Simon Mackey
Fruitcake recipe

1 cup water
1 cup of sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups dried fruit
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup brown sugar
lemon juice
1 gallon whiskey

Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take a large bowl.
Check the whiskey again to be sure it is
of the highest quality.
Pour one level cup and drink.
Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter
in a large, fluffy bowl.
Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still OK.
Cry another tup. Turn off mixer.
Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck
in the cup of dried fruit.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers,
pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something, Who cares.
Check the whiskey.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something.
Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Throw the bowl out of the window.
Check the whiskey again.
Go to bed.
Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway?
Simon Mackey
Can you believe it?

This guy wins a £181 million lottery on a Wednesday, and then finds the love of his life just 2 days later. Talk about LUCK!!!!
Oleg Babin
A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

'Mommy,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'
'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.
'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says,
'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says,
'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend,
'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother,
'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks,
'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,
'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

'Because you got an F in sex.'
Oleg Babin
A good Hassidic family is most concerned that their 30-year-old son is unmarried.
So, they call a marriage broker and ask him to find their son a good wife. The broker comes over to their house and spends a long time asking questions of the son and his parents as to what they want in a wife/daughter-in-law. They give him a long shopping list of requirements.

The marriage broker takes a long time looking, and finally asks to visit the family again. He then tells them of a wonderful woman he has found.

He says she's just the right age for the son. She keeps a Glatt Kosher home, she regularly attends synagogue and knows the prayers by heart, and she’s a wonderful cook. She loves children and wants a large family. And, to crown it all off, she's gorgeous.

After hearing all this, the family is very impressed and begins to get excited about the prospects of a wedding in the near future.

But the son pauses and asks inappropriately: 'Is she also good in bed?'
The marriage broker answers: 'some say yes...some say no .......
Ekaterina Yurgutene
Andrey Lubentsov
Hey, folk! New joke with the beard and about bird!:)

Trafalgar Square. A young man and an old woman sit on a bench. Near the benches walk a lot of pigeons. Pigeons make a lot of noise. Young man stands up and begins to shout: "F*ck off you stupid pigeons! F*ck off!". An old woman says: "Young man. You should be more pollite and not to say such a bad words. You could just say "Shoo pigeons, shoo pigeons" and they will f*ck off.

Tisnuto u g.na Gamalia.. ili -ija:)
Vladimir Belikov
the old woman has made a good point: be polite to others, and they will do most of what you want them to do.
Andrey Trukhachyov
After a bridal couple had been waiting a while in the anteroom of the registry office, the young lady knocks on the door of the official's room: "Do we have a long wait ? My fiance has already got pensive!"))
Klavdia Shulepova
Irina Zarudnyak
A woman and her lover are in the house while the husband is at work. Her nine year old son comes in, and after seeing them making love he hides in the wardrobe and watches them. All of a sudden the husband comes. Wife hides her lover in the wardrobe, without knowing that her son is in there. Boy:
- It's dark here.
- Yes it is.
- I've got a soccer ball.
- That's nice.
- Do you want to buy it?
- No, thanks.
- My dad is outside.
- Ok, how much?
- 250 dollars.
After a few weeks man and boy run into each other again in the wardrobe. Boy:
- It's dark here.
- Yes it is.
- I've got a soccer cleats.
Remembering what happened last time, man asks:
- How much?
- 750 dollars.
- Ok.
After few days, father says to his son:
- Lets go and play soccer.
- I can't, I sold the ball and the cleats.
- How much did you get?
- 1000 dollars.
- That is terrible, how could you ask so much money.... that's much more than they are worth. That's a sin, so you should go to the church and confess.
Father takes his son to the church confessional. Boy gets in, closes the door and says:
- It's dark here.
- Don't start with that shit again!!!
Vasily Osnovin
класс!)) Давай еще!
Irina Beloglavok
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.

- Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.

Watson replies, - I see millions of stars.

- What does that tell you?

Watson ponders for a minute.
- Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks.
- Watson, you're idiot, someone has stolen our tent.
Andrey Trukhachyov
Ms Meier tells her husband all her woes: "Just imagine, today I had to fire our washer-woman. She was stealing."
"What was missing then?", asks Mr. Meier worried.
"The four bedsheets from the Grand Hotel and the tablecloths from the Hilton!")))
Andrey Lubentsov
:) By the way, takeaway of such items from hotels is according to the German low not peccadillo (cavalier delict), but really crime... therefore better don´t do it in Germany:)
Kristina Lukas
Только я могла сделать такую описку:
...the woolsack in the House of Lords upon which the Lord Chancellor sins as the Speaker in the House.
Andrey Trukhachyov
- Do you speak English?
- Yesлибы!
Andrey Lubentsov
This is "5"!
Andrey Trukhachyov
Before the wedding:
He: "I am happy to hear it! I've been waiting so long!"
She: "Would you like me to go?"
He: "Oh, no! What makes you think that? The only idea of it makes me scared!"
She: "Do you love me?"
He: "Of course, (at ) every time of day and night!"
She: "Have you ever cheated me?"
He: "No! Never! Why do you ask?"
She: "Do you want to kiss me?"
He: "Yes, every time when I only have such an opportunity!"
She: "Would you hit me some time?"
He: " Are you crazy? You know what I am like!"
She:"Can I absolutely trust you?"
He: " Yes".
She: "Darling...."
10 years later: Read it from below upwards!
Andrey Trukhachyov
В Рижском аэропорту на паспортном контроле:
— Nationality?
— Russian.
— Occupation?
— No, no, just visiting
Yelena Riga
Рижский аэропорт улыбнул)))
Andrey Lubentsov
Andrey.. really nice jiokes / it has to be continued!
Andrey Trukhachyov
A man comes into the pharmacy and says, "Please give me a packet of strychnine."
Pharmacist: "What do you need that for?"
Man: "I want to kill my wife."
Pharmacist: "You cannot do that."
The man pulls a photo of his wife from his pocket and shows it to the pharmacist.
Pharmacist: "Oh, you 've got a prescription!"))
Andrey Trukhachyov
An American says:
- We have Barack Obama, Stevie Wonder, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash.
A Russian says:
- We have Vladimir Putin, no wonder, no hope and no cash.
Andrey Trukhachyov
- What is the difference between a Bavarian and a Turk?
- The Turk speaks German!

(Information for outsiders: The Bavarians speak a dialect that other Germans can hardly understand..))
Oleg Babin
Do you speak English?
- Yes!
- Name?
- Abdul al-Rhazib.
- Sex?
- Three to five times a week.
- No, no...I mean male or female?
- Yes, male, female, sometimes camel.
- Holy cow!
- Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general.
- But isn't that hostile?
- Horse style, doggy style, any style!
- Oh dear!
- No, no! Deer run too fast...
Andrey Trukhachyov
A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on it."
He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? 'Betty Sue' was the name of the horse I went there to bet on."
She shrugs and walks away. Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She answers, "Your horse called."
Vladimir Belikov
British scientists established that overweight men need to be richer in order to be attractive to women. On average, they need 1200 pounds of extra income per each 12 pounds of extra weight.
Andrey Trukhachyov
"A man lies ill in bed. A young lady with flowers rings at the door. An elderly lady opens. "I am his sister", the young lady says resolutely. "How I am pleased to get to know you", the elderly lady says smiling, "I am his mother.""
Andrey Trukhachyov
Humour from Germany
"Mum, can one just get children at 12?"
"Oh yea!"
"Oh dear!"
Nastyusha Kotik
- Did you like the second act of the play?
- I didn’t see it. The programme said: Second Act, Two Years Later, and I didn’t wait.
Nastyusha Kotik
Columbus and Radio
A New York newspaper published the following advertisement as a practical joke.
“For sale: A radio set in good condition. Belonged to Christopher Columbus. Valuable antiquity object.”
The paper got thousands of letters from people who wished to buy a thing owned by the famous man himself.
Evgenia Skuratovskaya
*Just want to see this in my news*
Govind Bankani
A husband and wife were trying to set up a new password to their computer.
A husband, "Put 'MYPENIS' " and the wife fell on the ground laughing cause on screen was error, "Error. Not long enough."
Govind Bankani
This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?”

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....”
Govind Bankani
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”
Govind Bankani
A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.

“Oh dear, what's the bad news?” asks the patient.

The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”

“That's terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”

The doctor replies, “I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.”
Simon Mackey
A true exchange of words between Lady Astor & Sir Winston Churchill

"Winston, if I were married to you I'd put poison in your coffee"...."Nancy, if I were married to you I'd drink it."
Artem Savin

- Do you speak English?
- Yes
- Name?
- Abdul al-Rhasib
- Sex?
- Three to five times a week.
- No, no...I mean male or female?
- Yes, male, female, sometimes camel.
- Holy cow!
- Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general.
- But isn't it hostile?
- Horse style, doggy style, any style!
- Oh dear!
- No, no! Deer runs too fast.

I hope group moderators will post this one replacing the old incomplete version :)
Andrey Trukhachyov
Dear Art! This very joke has been already posted here on Oct. 28, 2011. Please see above.))
Artem Savin
...posted by me and I've already removed the whole topic, as Vladimir requested.
Andrey Trukhachyov
No, just have a look. It is Oleg Babin who 's posted the joke..))
Artem Savin
does it really matter, dude? I saw an incomplete version of this joke on the wall and decided to post the full version of it.
Andrey Trukhachyov
No. I am sorry to trouble you for nothing))
Artem Savin
you don't bug me at all.
Vitalik Kazarov
Who are all of these people? O_o
Artem Savin
who's talking?
Andrey Lubentsov
Huh.. a police joke.. for the peace in the world:)

Cop pulls a car over on the highway for speeding. When he asks for the driver's license, the driver argued, "Speeding??? But officer, I was only trying to keep a safe distance between my car and the car in back of me."
Andrey Trukhachyov
- Do you speak English?
- Что? Я вас не понял...
- Я спрашиваю: вы говорите на английском?
- Да, английский я знаю в совершенстве!))
Elizaveta Stolyarova
*Just want to see this in my news*
Andrey Trukhachyov
A man becomes adult when going along the street without a cap at 10 degrees below zero he feels no more cool but somehow silly))
Nastyusha Kotik
It's a true joke:
Hello morning, goodbye sleep.
Hello work, goodbye freedom,
Hello summer, goodbye money,
Hello girl, goodbye heart! :)
Nastyusha Kotik
Lady: Are these eggs good?
Shopkeeper: Oh, yes. They are just in from the country.
Lady: Yes, but what country?
Andrey Lubentsov
Nu wot.. tisnul u Lechi Olifirenko / ponrawilos`:)

— Hello, are you there?
— Yes, who are you please?
— I'm Watt.
— What's your name?
— Watt's my name.
— Yes, what's your name?
— My name is John Watt.
— John what?
— Yes, are you Jones?
— No I'm Knott.
— Will you tell me your name then?
— Will Knott.
— Why not?
— My name is Knott.
— Not what?
— Not Watt, Knott.
— What?
Nastyusha Kotik
- Is it bad luck when a black cat crosses your path?
- Only if it's a panther.
Irina Beloglavok
"Can you spare some change?" a beggar asks a passerby.
"No, I know you're going to spend it all on vodka."
"No, sir, I don't drink."
"Then you'll gamble it away."
"No, I don't gamble either, sir."
"Well then, you're going to spend it on women."
"No, sir, I don't spend money on women."
"Okay," the passerby finally agrees, finally. "I'm going to give you 100 dollars, if you come with me. I want to show my wife an example of what can happen to a man who has no bad habits."
Andrey Lubentsov
A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather and while eating the breakfast of eggs and bacon prepared for him, he noticed a film-like substance on his plate. So he says, "Grandfather, are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replies, "Those plates are as clean as Coldwater can get them, so go on and finish your meal".

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed many little black specks around the edge of his plate, so again he asked, "Grandfather are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up from his burger, the grandfather says, "I told you those dishes are as clean as Coldwater can get them, now don't ask me about it anymore".

Well, later that day, they were on their way out to get dinner. As he was leaving the house, grandfather's dog who was lying on the floor started to growl and would not let him pass. "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out".

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching, his grandfather shouted, "Coldwater, get your butt out of the way!"


BTW.. Fuemi was First in International Competition and Second in the National!:)
We have done a lot of pics, but still have no time to separate them... will be done soon:)
Nastyusha Kotik
=)))))))) Poor boy! At the beginning of this joke should be a note: ATTENTION! DO NOT READ BEFORE HAVING YOUR BREAKFAST!
Vladimir Belikov
An announcement in the "Jobs" section of a British newspaper.

Wanted: Negotiator.
Wages: Negotiable, depending on the experience.
Olya Dudchenko
The shorter the better
A famous English doctor hated to hear his patients speak about their illnesses. He always asked them to be brief and to the point. Once a woman who had burnt her hand came to consult him. She did her best to be laconic. She showed the doctor her hand and said "A burnt".
"A compress", was the doctor's reply. The next day the woman came again and said, "Better." "The same," replied the doctor. A week later the woman came and asked, "Your fee?" -"None," said the doctor. "I'd like all my patients to be as sensible as you are, madam."
Artem Savin
brief :)
Olya Dudchenko
Andrey Lubentsov
Nice joke, Olja! Thanks!
Artem Savin

Olya Dudchenko
...if a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does humanitarian eat...ahaha! Dumb question))
Andrey Trukhachyov
Door bell rings, a beggar stands at the door: "Excuse me, wouldn't you have a piece of cake for me?"
The woman replies: "Сouldn't you be satisfied with a sandwich?"
"Well, actually I could, but today is my birthday!"
Oleg Babin
A Jewish man walked into a bank in New York City one day and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Israel on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan. The Jewish man handed over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Jewish man for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parked it there.
Two weeks later, the Jewish man returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest, which came to $15.41.
The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The Jewish man replied: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
Artem Savin
Трудности перевода...

Oh dear! - Ах, олень!
Let it be! - Давайте жрать пчел!
We are the champions - Мы шампиньоны
Can You hear me - Ты можешь меня здесь
Undressed custom model - Голая таможенная модель
Manicure - Деньги лечат
I'm just asking - Я всего лишь король жоп
I have been there - У меня там фасоль
God only knows - Единственный нос бога
Do You feel alright? - Ты справа всех знаешь?
Bye bye baby, baby good bye - Купи купи ребенка, ребенок хорошая покупка
To be or not to be? - Пчела или не пчела?
I fell in love - Я свалился в любовь.
Just in case - Только в портфеле
I will never give up - Меня никогда не тошнит
I saw my Honey today - Я пилил мой мед сегодня
I'm going to make you mine - Я иду копать тебе шахту
May God be with you - Майская хорошая пчелка с тобой
Finnish people - Конченные люди
Bad influence - Плохая простуда
Phone seller - Позвони продавцу
Good products - Бог на стороне уток
Let's have a party - Давайте организуем партию
Watch out! - Посмотри снаружи!
I know his story well - Я знаю его исторический колодец
Press space bar to continue - Космический бар прессы продолжает
We will rock you - Мы забросаем вас камнями
Olya Dudchenko
Manicure ...I'm just asking.. bye baby.. 5+1
Artem Savin
Anglo-EU Translation Guide

Artem Savin
The funniest joke in the world (scientifically proven http://articles.cnn.com/2002-10-03/tech/joke.funniest_1_jokes-humour-sense?_s=PM:TECH ):


Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

Artem Savin
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One cannibal looks at the other and asks, "Does this taste funny to you?"
Andrey Trukhachyov
Українська школа. Урок англійської мови.
- Іваненко!
- Що?
- Dо уоu sреаk Еnglish?
- Що?
- Сідай, два.
- Петренко!
- Що?
- Dо уоu sреаk Еnglish?
- Що?!
- Сідай, два. Никоненко!
- Що?
- Dо уоu sреаk Еnglish?
- Yеs, I dо!
- Що???!
Olya Dudchenko
Many months ago, a friend of Joanne’s invited Kevin and Joanne to come to her wedding. And Kevin and Joanne said, yes they would be very pleased to come. But, as I say, that was months ago, and Kevin has forgotten all about it, until Joanne reminds him that the wedding is on Saturday.

“But Joanne, there is a football match on TV on Saturday. If I go to the wedding I will miss the match.”

“I don’t care about the football”, says Joanne. “We are going to the wedding”.

“But, Joanne, its a really important game”.

“I don’t care how important the game is. We’re going to the wedding.”

“But, Joanne, if United win on Saturday, they will go through to the next round.”

“I dont care whether they win or lose, we’re going to the wedding.”

“Look, Joanne, it’s Joe’s birthday on Saturday. Me and some of his friends, we have planned a surprise party for him.”

“Nice try, Kevin, but I don’t care about Joe’s birthday. We’re going to the wedding.”

“But, Joanne, how can I explain to Joe that I can’t come to his party?”

“I don’t care what you say to him. We said that we would go to the wedding and that is what we are going to do.”

“So, Joanne, you don’t care that Joe will be upset that I can’t go to his party?”

“Quite right, Kevin. I don’t care. And Joe won’t be upset”

So they go to the wedding. And after the wedding there is a reception in a hotel. Joanne and Kevin chat to some people, and then Kevin disappears. Joanne cannot see him anywhere. An hour later she finds him. He is with the bride’s brother, and 3 or 4 other young men, in a small room at the back of the hotel. And, yes, they are watching the football on the TV and drinking cans of beer. Just as Joanne comes into the room, United score, and then the referee blows the final whistle.

“Kevin, what are you doing here. You should be at the wedding reception”.

But Kevin has a broad smile on his face “I don’t care. United have won.”

“But you have missed the wedding cake and the champagne.”

“I don’t care about the wedding cake or the champagne. United have won.”

“Kevin, you are incorrigible”, says Joanne. And she says lots of other things too, but Kevin knows that she doesn’t really mean them, and anyway United have won. So, he doesn’t care.
Evgenia Skuratovskaya
An American:
— We have Barack Obama, Stevie Wonder, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash.
An Ukrainian:
— We have Viktor Yanukovuch, no wonder, no hope and no cash.)))
Irina Beloglavok
Vladimir Belikov
At what speed Santa Claus has to move in order to bring all Xmas presents to all children around the World in one night on the Xmas eve?

At zero speed, actually. Santa stays at his North Pole office and gives franchise for delivering presents to daddies around the World. Just like McDonald's.
Valeria Maslova
Olga Botneva
"just want to see it in my news"
Amit Shah
hahahahaaaha thats true one:))))))))
Amit Shah
life before computer
Window was a square hole in a room
Application was something written in paper
Mouse was an animal
Keyboard was a piano
File was an important office material
Hard drive was an uncomfortable road trip
Cut was done with knife and paste with glue.
Web was a spider's home....
But now...... ))))))))))))))))))
Amit Shah

Vladimir Belikov
Why do birds fly south for the winter?
Because it's too far to walk there!
Artem Savin
A biologist, a physicist, and a mathematician are sitting in an outdoor cafe. They watch two people go into a building across the street. Shortly thereafter, three people come out.
"Hmm," says the biologist. "It looks like they reproduced."
"Nah," says the physicist. "There was obviously error in our initial measurement." The mathematician looks up from his coffee. "Who cares? If another person goes in, it'll be empty."
Olya Dudchenko
Doctor, Doctor I think I’m a dog.
How long have you felt like this ?
Ever since I was a puppy !

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee
Have you tried taking the spoon out ?

Doctor, Doctor I think I need glasses
You certainly do, Sir, this is a Post Office.
Olga Sadegi-Marchenko
Andrey Trukhachyov
- Honey, both that journalist and the engineer proposed to our daughter!
- So who's the lucky man?
- The engineer. Our daughter married the journalist
Olga Sadegi-Marchenko
Andrey Trukhachyov
Deep in the night, a man and his wife are lying in their bed.
The wife hears while sleeping: Honey, let 's make love! She says (in a sleepy voice):- You know, I 'm so tired, I have a headache, soon I 'll get my preriod...
The man: - Oh keep sleeping, darling! it' s not to you, I am just talking on the phone!)
Simon Mackey
Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain ? 17% said yes;11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please."
Simon Mackey
Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Could only use it for
half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It provides me
with everything I need - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot.
Simon Mackey
My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to the Salvation Army store to get all of her clothes back.
Andrey Trukhachyov
jolly good!
Andrey Trukhachyov
She: I am feeling so bad... He: I just wanted to go shopping with you... She: Oh, I was just kidding... He: I was it too...
Simon Mackey
A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says,
"How do you know?" He says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"
Simon Mackey
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening.
Oleg Babin
Первый урок, английский для начинающих:
"Три ведьмы разглядывают трое часов "Свотч". Какая из ведьм разглядывает
какие часы?"
Теперь по английски!
Three witches watch three swatch watches. Which witch watches which swatch

Второй урок, английский для продвинутых учеников:
"Три ведьмы-трансвеститки разглядывают три кнопочки на часах "Свотч".
Какая из ведьм-трансвеститок разглядывает какую кнопочку на часах
Теперь по английски!
Three switched witches watch three Swatch watch switches. Which switched
witch watches which Swatch watch switch?

Третий и последний урок, английский для абсолютных профессионалов:
"Три швейцарских ведьмы-сучки, желающих изменить свой пол, разглядывают
три кнопочки на часах "Свотч". Какая из швейцарских ведьм-сучек, желающих
изменить свой пол,разглядывает какую кнопочку на часах "Свотч"?"
Теперь по английски!
Three swiss witch-bitches, which wished to be switched swiss witch-bitches,
watch three swiss Swatch watch switches. Which swiss witch-bitch, which
wishes to be a switched swiss witch-bitch, wishes to watch which swiss
Swatch watch switch?
Vladimir Belikov
Some people think that the Lunar cycle is a Moon bike.
Simon Mackey
I came out of the chip shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sitting there said “I've not eaten for two days.” I told him “I wish I had your will power.”
Simon Mackey
I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself ....... I'm going to have that.
Simon Mackey
Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland . He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts down to him “Where am I ?” The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back. "You can't fool me, you're in that basket up there."
Simon Mackey
An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks him “What's wrong?” The boy says “Me ma is dead”. “Oh bejaysus” the man says “Do you want me to call Father O' Riley for you ?” The boy replies “No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.”
Vladimir Belikov
there's been a similar joke in some countries of the former Soviet Union, when the Soviet Union fell apart. At that time engineers and scientists (and many other professions requiring higher education) became useless and virtually without any income, while some other people became rich too quickly.

Two former university graduates of the same year met together. One said: "I work as a salesman, it gives me a decent income". The other said: "And I am still working as an engineer. I can't even eat every day." The first commented: "Stop this. You must force yourself to eat something at least three times a day."
Vladimir Belikov
you can't fool a clever person, can you? :-)

A pure mathematician would give a similar answer - absolutely precise and absolutely useless.
Simon Mackey
I guess it's understanding when to answer and when not to. Still tongue, wise head sort of thing :-)
Simon Mackey
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a
party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest
room. Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a
successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and
Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and
now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his
best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and
joy he started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school
to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he
owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best
friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best
universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction
company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very
nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: a 30,000 square
foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned
from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?'

One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the
successes of our sons. ...What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing at a

The three friends said: 'What a shame...what a disappointment.'

The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him.
And he hasn't done too badly either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and
he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top
of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends'
Artem Savin
We've all heard about the popularity of Russian Roulette, and here are some other variations:

French Roulette - point the gun to your head, but run away.
American Roulette - use a machine gun
Jewish Roulette - don't use bullets, because they're expensive
German Roulette - insist on playing with 6 Jews, and go last.
Irish Roulette - load all 6 chambers with bullets, and go first.
Brazilian Roulette - play it in a train station.
Muslim Roulette - use a bomb instead of a gun.
Black Roulette - steal the gun and rob everybody in the room.
Norfolk Roulette - a game for the whole family, play with your mother, father, brother, sister, grandpa and grandma, until one of you dies and the other wins.
Welsh Roulette - fuck a sheep
Chinese Roulette - shoot someone else, nobody will be able to tell the difference
Ginger Roulette - just keep pulling the trigger...
Vladimir Belikov
From a Motorcycle Review (a real fact quoted in a BBC comedy programme):

BMW is reportedly being sued by a man who claims he was left with a permanent erection after riding one of its bikes. BMW's lawyer said "I don't think it will stand up in Court."
Simon Mackey
Brilliant, you could'nt make that up !!!
Simon Mackey
--The Funeral Procession--

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it?'

'My wife's.

''What happened to her?'

The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her'

He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'

The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.'

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

'Can I borrow the dog?'

The man replied, 'Get in line.'
Simon Mackey
A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long train journey.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.

So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.

This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer, and goes back to sleep.

Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.

He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
Vladimir Belikov
this must be a long line. :-)
Vladimir Belikov
ha-ha, senior citizens can do this. Except that in Ukraine they do not travel by trains. They travel in armoured limos and bereave themselves from earning $500 on the way. Actually, they are not interested in such trifles; they wear wrist-watches worth $10,000 to $700,000, and they have much more to this, as people, normally, don't spend their last money on wristwatches.
Katya Aranan
black humor... Well... It's more cruel than funny :/
P.S Good jokes!) I really like them :) It was a good idea of making this topic :D
Katya Aranan
Old joke...)
I noticed that when I was at the age of 7, I think)
Superman *.*
Katya Aranan
Here are some ''animal jokes''))) hope you like them...

What do you call an elephant in a telephone box?

What do you get if you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.

Why did the dog cross the street?
To slobber on the other side.

Darling, did you put the cat out?
Oh, honey, I didn't know it was on fire!!!

Hickory dickory dock,
Three mice ran up the clock,
The clock struck one,
But the other two got away with minor injuries...

Why can't a leopard hide?
Because he's always spotted!

Why did the lion spit out the clown?
Because he tasted funny...

How do you tell which end of a worm is the head?
Tickle him in the middle and watch where he smiles.
Katya Aranan
Ben is a psycho...uh... A very dumb and stupid person.... Here are some jokes about him...

Why was Ben fired from the banana factory?
He threw out all the bent ones!

How many Bens does it take to screw in a light bulb?
3... One to hold the bulb, and the two others to turn the chair!

How did Ben break his arm while raking leaves?
He fell out of the tree...

What did Bens' ghost do?
Climb over walls...

What did Ben call his pet zebra?
Vladimir Belikov
From the Ohio Sentinel (read on a BBC comedy programme):
Last week we reported that local musician John Henninger's band mate was on drugs. The story should have read that he was on drums.
Katya Aranan
To be on drugs while playing on drums? O.O
Wow... xDDD
Katya Aranan
What word is always spelt incorrectly?

What starts with an ''e'', ends with an ''e'' and has only 1 letter in it?
An envelope!

What's green, has eight legs and would kill you if it fell on you from out of a tree?
A billiard table.

Why do you go to bed?
Because the bed won't come to you...

If a man is born in China, grows up in Australia, goes to live in America and dies in New Orleans, what is he?

Why do soccer players have so much trouble eating?
They think they can't use their hands :C
Katya Aranan
A woman woke her husband in the middle of the night.
''There's a burglar in the kitchen eating the cake I made this morning!'' she said.
''Who should I call?'' asked her husband. '' The police or an ambulance???''
Katya Aranan
Have you ever seen a man-eating tiger?
No but in a restaurant next door I once saw a man eating chicken...
Vladimir Belikov
poor fella. He once saw a man eating chicken, but has never eaten chicken himself.
Katya Aranan
haha))) maybe he's a vegetarian? :)
Artem Savin
Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parents' home for their first night together.

In the morning, Little Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "No".
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
His mom says "No."
He asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His Mom replies, "Ok, do tell me what you think?"

He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."
Vladimir Belikov
that Johnny is a naughty boy. :-)
Simon Mackey
A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.'
He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there. "Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.
"Yes," the Labrador replies. After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story."

The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS. "In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. "I was one of their most valuable spies foreight years. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."

The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog. "Ten quid," the owner says. "£10!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

"Because he's a lying b*****d. He's never been out of the garden."
James Head
If an electric train travels 90 miles an hour in a westerly direction and the wind is blowing from the north, in which direction is the smoke blowing?
Katya Aranan
no smoke... It's an electric train)))
Unless you meant the smoke from the cigarette one of the passenger sitting by the window smokes :)))
Olga Sadegi-Marchenko
James Head
very good
Katya Aranan
thank you :)
Katya Aranan
What do you call a man with an elephant on his head?
Artem Savin
As I sat down in the pub with my pint, I put my Nokia 3310 on the table in front of me. My mate immediately burst out laughing and put his iPhone next to mine. I gave it a disdainful look.

"Why don't you get a better phone, mate?" he asked.

"I don't need one." I replied.
"My phone does everything that I need and it's better than yours."

He burst out laughing again. "Better than mine?" he roared.
"Mine has 3G, Wi-Fi, the iMessage service, a best-in-class browser, five megapixel camera, access to the App Store for virtually unlimited customisation plus a built-in iPod for all my music. If yours is better than mine, I'll give you my phone."

"I don't want your phone." I said, "Mine's the best, why would I want a second-best,
second-hand phone? I tell you what, though, if I can prove that mine is better than yours, how about you give me the cash equivalent of your phone?"

"You're on!" he crowed. "Show me something with your phone and I'll show you how mine is better."

Casually, I knocked my phone off the table.
Vladimir Belikov
Many people are surprised to see that when they gain more knowledge, the money they earn does not increase. However, there is nothing surprising about this. Here's a mathematical proof.

Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power, hence:
Knowledge = Power

Postulate 2: Time is Money, hence:
Time = Money.

These postulates need no proof; you know them from your childhood.

From physics it is known that power is work per unit of time, or
Power = Work / Time

We can recombine the last statement as follows:
Time = Work / Power

Substituting Knowledge for Power on the base of Postulate 1 and Money for Time on the base of postulate 2, we obtain:

Money = Work / Knowledge.

Thus Money and Knowledge are in inverse proportionality. With the same amount of work, the more knowledge you have, the less money you earn.

When you get more knowledge you have to increase your work in the same ratio in order to gain the same amount of money. In order to earn more money you need to increase your work in greater ratio than your knowledge.
Simon Mackey
George Bush was lucky then !!! lol
Katya Aranan
Nice :DDD
Elena Berdochkina
жалко без переводов новичку сложно разобраться =(
Oleg Babin
first day at school in England
Registry on the first day back at school in Birmingham, ENGLAND .
The teacher began calling out the names of the pupils:-
"Mustafa Al Eih Zeri?" "Here"
"Achmed El Kabul?" "Here"
"Fatima Al Hayek? " "Here"
"Ali Abdul Olmi?" "Here"
"Mohammed Bin Kadir?" "Here"
"Ali Son al En” - silence in the classroom .
"Ali Son al En" - continued silence as everyone looked around the room .
The teacher repeated the call.
A girl stood up and said, "Sorry teacher. I think that's me. It's pronounced Alison Allen.

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